“I wanna do the interview, but I wanna know what the set up will be,” asked Ed Miliband.

“We’ll do the interview in my kitchen, or kitchen-witchen,” suggested Russell Brand.

“Hang on, hang on, hang on, it ain’t gonna be like that.” replied Ed Miliband “What’s wrong with a sofa? The media is a bit obsessed with me and kitchens and I don’t want to pour olive oil on that sauté pan fire.”

“Rupert Murdoch is dictating to you, Ed. You’re being controlled by the right-wing media. What we ordinary people are crying out for is for someone stand up to the reactionary elites who are pulling strings from behind the scenes. What we need is a totally different culinary paradigm.”

“OK, can I at least take a look at your kitchen first?”

“Be my guest. It’s just a normal kitchen, like any normal lad from Essex would have. I just use it to make my famously scrumptious bacon sandwiches, or hoggy hoagies, as I like to call them.”

They enter the kitchen

“Look at the size of that bloody tap! And the juicer! I wanted one of those for my drinks preparation area, but they don’t really poll well with hardworking families.”

“The Youtube ad money paid for those. Gotta take some money back from the transnational corporations, know what I mean, eh?”

They start the interview

“Ed me ole china, what we need to feel – us normal people – is that there is a will from politicians to respond to the interests of ordinary people. What do you say to the ordinary people who don’t think politicians should be in the kitchen at all?”

“Look, I’m a preddy straight kinda guy. I fundamentally disagree. That’s todally wrong. I think the people need to see leaders in the kitchen, in the bedroom or wherever else. We need to meet the people where they are. I am not talking about bringing them euphoria, but small practical steps to make sure this country is run for everyone not just the rich.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Ed. Still not voting though.”

“By the way, are your film crew on zero hours contracts? If they are, I’ll be very angry.”

“I’m asking the questions here, Ed. It’s what the millions of ordinary people want.”

Don’t Vote” by Graham C99 is licensed under CC BY 2.0.